Tag Archives: Grandparent

30. My child has decided to have only one child

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SP, OH, writes: My son and his wife have announced that they have decided to have only one child. I think being an only child is not the best experience for him or her in learning how to give and take and work out relationships in adulthood. I don’t want to create bad feelings but wonder if I should say something about my misgivings.

Deciding to have children is a momentous and personal decision for a couple, one that even they don’t grasp the extent of how their lives will change. But I would not say anything that could be seen as pressuring or critical. They are probably aware of the pros and cons of their decision (and sometimes “the best laid plans…”). At this point, they may have decided what is best for their family, having taken into consideration their ages, energy, work plans, and/or finances.  And only children can have close relationships with other children of their own age through early preschool where play is integral to the program, and through extended family and friends situations.

I used to hear parents say to their preschoolers, “When you have children…,” or “Wait until you have children….” Isn’t it a little selfish for parents to expect their children to have children so that they can have grandchildren? And a lot has been written about the problems inherent in isolated “nuclear families,” no matter the size of the family. It appears to me that in any family it is a mistake to make the child or children the focus in such a way that they expect to be pampered, but rather the focus should be on the needs of every family member and the larger goals of rearing children to become caring, productive members of society. I’m personally for cooperatives, collectives, around living situations, around play groups, car pooling, sports, community gardening, etc., but I can only suggest things in an atmosphere where my children do not feel criticized or judged in any way. The child is fortunate who has grandparents who can support them by providing experiences that can include community activities that their parents may not be able to provide them.

(One good discussion of these issues: http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/982209/deciding-to-have-an-only-child)

29. Grandparents deal with sibling rivalry

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“Frustrated” writes: My husband and I watch our grandchildren a couple Saturdays each month. We disagree on how to handle the situation when my grandson, age 5, hits out at his sister, age 3. It is usually because she has picked up a toy, often one he’s not even playing with. I think it is not unusual behavior and needs to be handled gently, and my husband thinks the 5 year-old should be punished in some way.

Dear Frustrated: Jealousy at that age is “normal.” I say to worried mothers, “How would you feel if your husband brought home another wife a couple years after you two were married?” While each child holds a special place Continue reading →

28. Thank you, Dad!

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It is the time of year, for me, of reflection and giving thanks. I have the privilege of having a dear father, age 102, who is also grandfather of my children, and great-grandfather of my grandchildren! This is the letter I sent to my “pop” this week:

Dear Pop, I have decided to let the people in my life know how much I cherish them. You get to be first! I recently pinpointed on a map all the places I’ve lived, and you were a supportive caring constant in my life all the while I was growing up.

– I cherish the memories of our visits to the farm, with cousins and animals and visits to the school your dad helped build, I think, and where our brother’s kids attended,

– my first school experience (kindergarten, where I waited and waited for the teacher to come visit, not knowing she wasn’t coming until the following week!),
 
– sneaking my cat into bed in Ann Arbor,
 
– and even that fateful climb up the steps to apologize to the neighbor in the upstairs apartment for eating her delicious canned peaches–that I couldn’t wait to show you when you came home that day!
 
– The cards and letters with X’s and O’s when you were away in the Army, Continue reading →

27. Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Happy Valentine’s Day!
PS: Does your relationships need a boost? I’ve just read an article about ”the happy couple*,’ and am passing on the findings by the author, just in time for Valentine’s Day! The research reported there found that not only does coping together in hard times build a relationship, but also accentuating the positive events in the good times (reminds me of a song), including enjoying each other’s successes, also brings people closer together. When was the last time your partner shared good news with you? Were you happy and supportive and interested? GOOD. Do you feel understood, validated, cared for—and vice versa? GOOD. Do you each maintain your own identity, hobbies, preferences? Yes? GOOD.
(*Suzann Pileggi Pawelski, Scientific American/Mind/Summer, 2012)

25. Sexuality Education is Important!

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My grandson brought home a permission slip for participation in sex education in his 5th grade class at school. My son-in-law doesn’t think his son should participate. I think sexuality education is important, but I don’t know what to say to him about the subject.

Before your son-in-law says “no,” suggest that he ask the teacher to review with him the curriculum that will be used. He might be surprised at the content. In addition to human development, Continue reading →

20. As a senior, with the children grown and gone, should I downsize?

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From Jean, IL: My children are grown and have moved on. I am a widow, and I am thinking of selling my home to downsize. Two of my children are making noises that things won’t be the same if their families can’t come to visit grandma on holidays. I think they wish they could visit their old neighborhood and their old rooms! Is it wrong of me to want to make this change?

Dear Jean, My opinion (and an opinion only): I think making a positive change that will allow you to live in comfort is a good thing! Aside from the financial savings and possible negative ramifications (selling the house may create a profit that can be taxed, even if you purchase a less expensive home–best to verify those issues with an expert), there are many other issues Continue reading →

18. Showing the grandkids where we came from and how we got here: Perspectives from history

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Historical places are all around us, and we can bring the struggles and sacrifices, successes and failures, motivations and values, to life for our grandchildren. Today’s children could use a larger perspective of life, looking beyond their immediate lives, and an appreciation of the contributions of those who came before us. In spite of Garrison Keeler’s wise reminder to us older folks to stop whining about having to walk miles to school in snowstorms, or similar stories we may have, because  the kids aren’t interested (New York Times, don’t remember the date!), they can be engaged in experiences Continue reading →

17. Problems at preschool spill over to stress at home

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DW, wrote: My step-daughter who is 37 and her son who is 4 1/2 yrs old live with my husband and i. He has received a few ”notes to home” from the pre-school to address the issues about throwing a toy at school or taking a toy from one of the other kids and when the teacher asks him about it, he obviously tells her “it’s not me.” My daughter called him a liar. LIAR is such a harsh word to be called as a adult much less a 4 yr old child. I have asked her to stop calling him that, not dismissing the issue about telling the truth to mommy or grandma or teachers, but explaining in a less nasty way why he should  tell the truth, and she is upset about itI think she is mad about my input as to her parenting techniques with this issue, rather then anything else but i am beginning to question myself on anything i say. Just trying to find some common ground with others who may be in the same situations. Any help would be appreciated. Worried Grandma

My response: Dear Worried Grandma, My heart goes out to you and your daughter in this situation. In the first place, the preschool staff have a responsibility to help children with any behavior problems that come up, Continue reading →

16. Why grandma and grandpa need access to the internet

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Having spent the last few months staying close to my partner in life to assist her in getting to doctors’ appointments and work after an operation that didn’t go perfectly, I have found the internet to be a good friend. Putting other things on the back burner, the internet has enabled me to keep in touch with family, friends, and a world of information.

Reasons why the internet can be a huge positive Continue reading →

13. Mealtime difficult with young ones? Healthy snacks can suffice!

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KN, CA, writes that when her grandchildren stay over, they don’t seem to eat well at dinnertime.

This is a common complaint with young children, whose appetites vary day-by-day and time of day. They may fuss over your favorite meals, or ”aren’t hungry” by the time dinner is served. If you can’t adjust the meals or the times of the meals to work for the children, preparing healthy snacks for them will give them the day’s nutrients they need.

Low-fat, low-sugar, and added veges, fruits, and protein foods can be accomplished with a little planning ahead. For meals, a rule of thumb is to have a protein, and fruit or vege, and a carbo (bread, cracker, grain, noodle, etc.). Continue reading →

11. Denied access to grandchildren! Can this be corrected or avoided?

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I was saddened by stories (www.grandparents.com) of those who have been denied seeing their grandchildren by their own adult child and/or their adult child’s partner. I would suggest we step back and take a long look at the expectations we have of family (i.e., as a teacher of parents, one pet peeve I have had is when parents say to their young children, “You will get married,” “You will have children.” Do they say that because they are anxious that their children may not want to do this and need “programming?” Or because they want grandchildren to indulge?) Maybe the problems are long-standing. In whatever context, these type of expectations are presumptuous.

I would approach building my relationships with my grandchildren Continue reading →

10. Granddad and the Grandkids

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LM, San Francisco, writes: My husband loves having our grandchildren visit, but he doesn’t really get down to their level and do things with them. They are 6 and 9. He’s retired now, and I’d like to encourage him to be more active with them.

Have you spoken with him about the subject? Children used to be women’s domain, and men’s and women’s roles were assumed—but many men are now very active with their children. Your grandchildren are at wonderful ages—before the teen years bring new preoccupations. Assuming “granddad” is interested in being more actively involved with them, suggest some things Continue reading →